Spirited Mama

YOU have got to take in the BAD to experience the GOOD

Category: emotions (Page 2 of 6)

Stop and play with the bubblewrap

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Sometimes we get so busy and forget to just enjoy our present situations and be grateful for our blessings. Dudie and I are in a foul space. We are constantly bickering and quite frankly I’m not sure why. I am concerned that it may have something to do with the impending arrival of the resident alien, who is due in 13 weeks. Could it be a result of him not wanting to share my attention? Could it be that I am talking about the baby more and more?

Dude started painting the baby room, we had a slight mishap read here if you missed it, but thankfully that is now fixed. Soon we will no longer be 3 but 4 humans in the Spirited household.

As much as it is an adjustment for the adults, I cannot even begin to imagine how my 7yr old must feel. Suddenly, there will be a cute, cuddly and sweet smelling person in our family ALL the time. Suddenly, he needs to share his mom and dad with a sibling. It must be rough.

I am hoping that Dudie and the resident alien will become bosom friends and that they will share a love and connection so strong that nothing and no one can ever break it.

As for now, it is finally Friday. It feels like this week has taken forever. I am tired and my feet are swollen, #27weekspregnant .

I received a package the other day but I will share that news another day. My Dudie was way more excited for the bubblewrap in the box. Even the dog got into playing with the bubblewrap. Dude wanted to throw the bubblewrap away and Dudie protested. As pictured above even the dog went to lie on the bubblewrap to keep Dude from throwing it away.

It’s the small things, like watching Dudie and the dog, find their joy in playing with bubblewrap that fills my soul. I too have a love for bubblewrap. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I NEED to slow down, not because #Iampregnant but because I will miss out on the best patts of life if I continue to rush through it.

Happy Friday!

Spirited Mama

P.S. We had a freak storm last night and again at 1am this morning.

P.P.S I am taking the morning off to feed my unborn baby butter biscuits and lie in bed, whilst Dudie is at school.

Recharge….

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I am writing this post whilst sitting on a blue bench at Uvongo Beach. It is a sunny but overcast breezy day at the ocean. The breeze is exactly what I need as I feel like I suddenly have hot flushes. The ocean spray feels soft and cooling on my sunkissed face.

It is magnificent. It is breath taking. It is GOD’s creation. And I am basking in its glow. I am humbled and grateful for a weekend of connecting with myself, Dude, Dudie and God. Somehow, spiritually I am at peace. I woke up everyday feeling extremely grateful for a new day, for our blessings but also just for another beautiful day.

Our car is packed to make our way back to Gauteng but we are not done with Kwazulu Natal just yet. As I write this post Dude and Dudie are fiahing from the pier. We are still on our way to Durban itself, for a stopover at UShaka. We can never be this close and NOT stop at Gorimas at UShaka. They have the yummiest butter biscuits as well as spices.

For now I am signing off to enjoy every bit of This magnificent view. To soak up the sun and to wet my feet in this warm ocean current. What a way to start a MONDAY. I feel alive.

Spirited Mama

P.S. Dude and I were having the discussion at the fireside lat night about how recharged we feel. He feels like he has been on holiday for six months.

This is how we roll. We take frequent breaks. Because we know how draining life can be. We often need a recharge. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of God’s grace.

Mamma….you know I love you

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Image found at www.w-dog.net/wallpaper

Mamma, YOU abandoned our ship. (in case you missed it CANCER WON Mamma lost)

Remember how excited you were to plan our September holiday? Remember how excited you were when I called with the news about the resident alien? Remember how excited you were when you decided we should go on a boat cruise to Namibia? And we were planning for 2017 because we had to wait for the resident alien to arrive? I remember the very first time we drove, me being the driver, on the N1 highway in Cape Town. I was the learner driver, you were the licensed driver – although you never drove. That was just the start of our many drives and adventures. Just the two of us. I miss those drives – which never really had a particular destination.

Then I moved to Pretoria. And we stayed in touch via the phone. Since 2015 you even started using whatsapp – I was so proud of you – keeping in touch with me and technology. You visited and often stayed for 3 months at a time. It wasn’t perfect but we loved you nonetheless. We argued/disagreed/fought but still remained true and loyal to one another. Nothing and no one could break our bond. Our droves continued in Pretoria.

Then started my morning peak hour drive conversations with you. Almost daily we spent an hour talking whilst I was in transit – don’t worry you were on “speaker phone”. When I changed my job to work 7kms from home that hour long conversation was still an hour –  only difference is I used to sit in the parking lot finishing my conversation with you. So many times I was late for work – not because of traffic but because I had to finish my conversation with you. And it was SO worth it. Our random ramblings, some things trivial and some so important and meaningful to us.

Well things have changed. “Life happens when you are making other plans… John Lennon” My LIFE has changed. YOU are no longer here to physically share it with me or my family. We miss. I MISS you. Always! They say that grief gets better with time. I say it doesn’t. We just find ways to live and/or cope with the grief.

Who knew that our holiday in April 2016 would have been our last one together. That this was one of our last breakfasts together.breakfast

That week was so special. One week of just the two of us alone at night, once more sharing a bed. Much like the last week before you became an angel. Just the two of us. A game of Checkers we played – And YOU won. A game of Putt Putt we played in the afternoon rain. And then you chickened out of our night swim that you requested. Was it because you were scared I would see your lump?  Our last supper – your infamous roosterkoekdinner

We talked and laughed so much that night that we hardly slept. The boys came knocking on our door to wake us for breakfast the next day. Those memories are forever in my heart and soul.

Losing you was one of the hardest things that I have to deal with. You are forever etched in my heart, mind and soul. I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me. Your last message to me was cryptic. I still don’t understand but perhaps with time all will be revealed.

Thank you for what you have done for me. But also for what you have taught me. I will do that Namibian boat cruise for you. For us. 

Love and miss you ALWAYS!

L

Spirited Mama

P.S. I sometimes wonder now that you are an angel are you spending time with my resident alien?

 

Today is rough

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(Really can’t remember where I got this quote from but I’m sure you will find it on Google)

Today is rough. I am still raw with emotion but getting better. I actually didn’t realise how raw my emotional hurt for Mamma still was…. The hurt, the pain, the longing for Mamma is as fierce as my LOVE for Mamma. It’s only been 52 days since CANCER WON.

Yesterday was my birthday. It started as a great day and ended as a great day. In between is where I buckled…

We went out to dinner to our favourite Mimmos, funny how we have shared that place with Mamma too before. As we walked in there was an older lady with short grey hair wearing the exact same blue top that was indeed one of Mamma’s favourites. Well I cried for more than half the dinner. I even cried after she had left. I cried when I got home and I cried some more when I went to bed. Dude feels it was a sign that Mamma was there celebrating with us.

The hurt doesn’t get better with time. We only find ways to live and cope with it!

Spirited Mama

Miss you always Mamma!

Cadbury’s Peanut Tumbles.. I miss you…

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Where do I even start??? I am so pissed actually. I have been hunting down Cadbury‘s Peanut Tumbles but can’t find it anywhere…Like nowhere in Pretoria can I find just one freaking packet…And what gets to me is that this hunt has been on for a long long long ass time now.

Cadbury this is my plea to you. Please bring Peanut tumbles back….

Love how you say “Let the joy find you” well I am searching and just not finding MY joy!!!!

Spirited Mama

Random update on Spiritville

We have been sick and STILL are sick. Spiritville is flu and bronchitis breeding grounds right now…I had no choice but to start a course of antibiotics myself, even though I would rather not considering our resident alien aka baby in utero….but rather safe than sorry.

CANCER SUCKS!!!! Mamma is getting weaker by the day…I literally almost burst into tears when I saw a photo that was taken of her this morning… She is NOT the same person I saw 2 weeks ago…She is also not the same person in the photos that were taken last week. How does one even begin to comprehend what is happening to her right now. I am running things through my mind and thinking should I go to Cape Town tomorrow or should I go next week or the next? I just don’t know!

Dudie and I are at war it seems…we are constantly fighting and just not seeing eye to eye. It really tiring and emotionally draining. He challenges everything I say or do. Why is the universe out to get me???

I have deadlines and work etc etc etc…but that is just life in general. Right now with everything going on it just feels TOO much and I really just want to break out into an ugly cry all the time…I worry about the resident alien because all these emotions can’t be good…

Sorry that I have nothing positive today but right now I just want to hide under my desk and have my ugly cries….

Spirited Mama

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Siblings – building solid lasting relationships

The thought of Dudie growing up alone has always haunted me and for a very long long long time I wrestled with the idea of having another child. Well 2016 was apparently the year that we decided was a good year to grow Spiritville. In case you were not aware, yes we have a resident alien aka baby, due in Feb 2017…

The idea of having another little person to take care and be my responsibility until the day that I leave this earth is causing some lots of anxiety. But the idea is growing on me and luckily at a much faster rate than my belly…We are excited and nervous and happy and scared all at the same time. There is no handbook to guide you to raise your perfect little angel. We can only hope and pray that what we are doing and teaching our kid(s) will be sufficient for them to become admirable, strong, focused, resilient young adults someday…

Another pressing thought that has been weighing me down is the age gap between Dudie and the resident alien…they will have a SEVEN year gap. Now, I have always said that I am not cut out for two babies and if I ever had another child I will not have them on top of one another. A seven year gaps does give me some sort of a paralysed feeling because doing the math I realised that we would have a teenager and a toddler in the house. When Dudie starts high school, grade 8, then the resident alien would start grade 1…

This morning I found an article on ALL4WOMEN, fostering a strong relationship between siblings. It resonated with me not only because I have a sibling and although we have a 9 year age gap, I’m the older one, but also because I don’t think my parents actively tried to foster a stronger relationship between us. We, my brother and I, are steadily working on our relationship currently. Perhaps my parents just thought that we were generations apart and that they were unsure of how to salvage the gap in our relationship… I am keeping my anxiety at bay and trying to be proactive to foster a relationship between Dudie and his unborn brother…Oh yes, IT’S A BOY!!!

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I will constantly try my best to ensure that MY TWO boys will know that they are blood brothers and no matter what nothing and no one can take that away from them. What they make of their relationship is up to them but for as long as what I am around I will encourage, love and support their relationship.

Happy Friday!

Spirited Mama

P.S. Mamma had a biopsy but now we wait with baited breath. We will only know what the plan of action/way forward is next week once all the doctors have decided…If you missed it then read the post When CANCER happens…My family fights back

When CANCER happens…MY FAMILY FIGHTS BACK!

So in my family we have been dealt a low blow this past Sunday.

Here’s a rough breakdown of the lead up to this past Sunday

2014 – My mom’s younger sister, aged 44 at the time, was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. Almost immediately had a mastectomy and chemotherapy followed by radiation therapy. In 2015 she was cancer free and we had a huge family celebration in her honour.

2016 – My mom’s youngest sister, also aged 44 at time of diagnosis, is diagnosed with breast cancer. Almost immediately,May 2016, had a double mastectomy. She is cancer free and will not be having chemotherapy nor radiation therapy. Last Sunday, the family had a huge celebration in her honour. Unfortunately, we missed it as we live in Gauteng and had already decided and booked flights to Cape Town for 5 August. I was sad that I missed it but something was knawing at me that we should just stick to our original dates and go to Cape Town as planned on 5 Aug.

So earlier this year I had a mammogram and sonars to check if there is anything to be concerned about… Well there are some minor issues but it’ll be monitored very closely. The doctor suggested that someone in our family should do the genetic test for CANCER. Well let’s just say that if the test results are positive and we have the cancer gene well then it’s a matter of When and not IF you get cancer. Let me just say that medical aids DO NOT cover the test and its about R10 000….So the youngest sister was waiting for confirmation from her medical aid to see if they were willing to assist with any sort of payment for this test… WE WAIT patiently.

Back to the past weekend, my Gran aka MAMMA (I literally feel as though she is my “real” mother. Dude says that I am like her 7th child) has been on/off sick with flu then apparently gall stones. On Saturday we see my Gran and we were shocked to see that she did not look well. She had lost weight and she was just not looking like her old self. She laughed and joked with us for a few hours and eventually we left. On Sunday, we get the call that she is not well and will be taken to Casualties. So most of the family treks to the hospital to go see Mamma. (Bear in mind that we have a very very  very big family. Security was taken aback that we ALL came to see the same person). We arrive to find her smiling smiling and all happy and bubbly in casualties. They do some tests and inform us that her liver is enlarged and is pushing against her lungs, which is causing difficulty breathing. Later, they discover a huge mass in her left breast and now suspect breast cancer. They run some more tests and think that it may have spread to the lungs… They have been doing tests ALL the time. We wait to hear the final results and what the way forward would be.

On Monday we visited Mamma in hospital and spend as much time as possible with her, given that we only had limited time and were  only allowed in one at a time. I got a brief period to tell her that I love her. The hardest part was saying goodbye as we had to come back to Pretoria on Monday evening. I told her that once we have more clarity on this  situation I will fly back to come see her.

Mamma is our go to person. She is the MATRIARCH of this family! She is So incredibly strong for all of us. She is happy and bubbly but I worry that none of us are there after visiting hours. None of us really sees what she is enduring. None of us knows what she is going through for as long as what I have been on this earth Mamma has always been smiling. (Hou altyd die blink kant bo – roughly translated into always keeping a brave and happy face) never letting it show if anything gets to her or gets her down.

I have been crying ALOT and as I sit here now I just can’t help myself… I have prayed and given this situation to GOD. As much as I want Mamma to make a full recovery, I don’t want her to go through any unnecessary trauma of surgeries etc…My biggest fear is her quality of life after surgery(ies)… I have seen what CANCER can do and it’s not what I want for Mamma. Mamma is the type of person who will be here the one day and gone the next. And everyone that knows her will know that that is how she wants to be remembered. All I want is for HER to make her OWN decision as to what she wants to do. This past weekend I saw that my family might not accept Mamma’s decision…and I worry that they will bully her into something that she did not want. It’s the hardest decision to just let go and let GOD be because we all want more time with a loved one but like I said it kills me to think of what quality of life she might have afterwards… Nothing has been finalised and no decisions have been made as yet.

I pray for my MAMMA…

Spirited Mama

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This was a random image I found on Pinterest…

LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE MAKING OTHER PLANS…JOHN LENNON

So it was officially women’s day yesterday, 9 August  and yes I know there is alot of history behind but I will spare you the info (click here if you need to know why we celebrate women’s day). I just wanted this day for myself. You see I don’t have to do the usual school run or even go to work. Bless the government for giving WOMEN a special day and making it a public holiday. <Dear Government, My Dude is very pissed at you. He wants to know why MEN don’t have their own special day. But we will continue this conversation on another day…

So I wanted to lie in bed and have a hearty breakfast of Ferrero Rocher but alas….Let’s just say that my family has been dealt a few blows and we are still in shock and trying to just come to terms with the situation….

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On the other hand I have been receiving random emails about The Working Mothers Expo. Now initially I thought I was being spammed as usual. Probably someone wanting to hack my credit card but I ‘ve got news for you….you won’t get much >LOL! But it seems this expo is legitimate. I have been reading up on it and I am actually intrigued to find out more about it.

If you are interested go check it out The Working Mothers Expo. It’s happening 4-6 Nov 2016 in Sandton, Johannesburg.

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY to all the WOMEN out there. Enjoy you day off…

Be beautiful. Be brave. Be YOU!

Spirited Mama

P.S. I have these little conversations with myself, in my head, all the time. So I have now resorted to giving myself an inspirational pep talk. How do you like my motto for now?

Be beautiful. Be brave. Be YOU!

P.P.S. I had a draft of this post but I just couldn’t bring myself to log on yesterday. I edited this post because of course now it was completely out of context. Many tears were shed yesterday but I read somewhere that “tears are liquid prayers”. Today I feel a sense of calm but yet the uncertainty and anxiety is eating at me…Today might not be a great day but perhaps tomorrow will be. I will try again tomorrow.

 

Mommy needs a time-out!!!!

Mommy needs a time-out!!! Mommy is tired and may I add pregnant and somewhat emotional. Mommy’s patience have run out and mommy seems to be losing her shit all the time. Mommy feels overworked, over stressed and exhausted. Did I mention PREGNANT. Oh the ALL DAY morning sickness with the actual expulsion of any food intake or whatever may be left in my tummy or first thing in the morning is just a marvelous way to get a head start to your day. I have been feeling crap and behaving badly and all I want is for my 6 year old to get done in the morning. For fuck sake, what is SO difficult about getting done. He eventually gets out of bed and if I don’t physically police him to get his shit done he will look at random photos in his room, which have been there like forever, perhaps read a book, perhaps just stand on the bed naked and just stare at the fucking wall, etc… I wish this was all in my head but alas it’s our reality. True as shit this boy will be fucking late for school everyday until I lose my shit and then have to drive as if being chased by the devil himself to make that 4km drive to school.

I have decided that I am done. I will NOT be helping with homework. I will not be checking that you have the proper attire for the day. I will NOT be checking everything that I always use to because quite frankly Mommy needs a break and she is damn well taking it. I am not sure if one day will do the trick or perhaps I need a few days but my oh my I feel as if I have to do EVERYTHING!

Being a involved, hands-on parent is extremely hard work. Hats off to all those who parent! Sometimes I need to remember that I too am a person. And I too need a break.

I could so curl up in a warm bed with a good book, some hot chocolate and lots and lots of chocolate….Oh, and someone to wait on me hand and foot and bring me room service whenever I ring my proverbial bell. I think I need a hotel stay!

Spirited Mama

Here are some random images that I had on my hard drive that made me laugh out loud with a few snot bubbles…Enjoy.Sometimes I take things way to seriously….

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