Spirited Mama

YOU have got to take in the BAD to experience the GOOD

Category: Mamma

It’s been 1 year…

Can I just rewind for a bit?

This photo was taken the day after Mamma passed on. Credit goes out to my Dude for capturing the grey skies, which is exactly what we felt in our hearts…an uncertainty of how to move on from here….

It’s been 1 year since I said goodbye to Mamma. I whole year without her yet it only feels like it was yesterday…the heartache is still there but it’s not as raw as it used to be. I can look at her photo without feeling an emotional storm brewing inside of me.

This morning I was extremely restless, granted we only got home at 1am from ER but that is a post for another day….I only went to bed after 2am and by then I was too exhausted to sleep. Do you also experience this? I get to a point where I’ve missed my cues to sleep.

I woke up just after 4am, and realised last year this time was my “calm” period. I felt something, it was in fact euphoria. And in that moment I realised it was in fact my last time with Mamma. On 28 August 2016 @ 04:22 (I know the exact time as I just checked my phone and used the torch app to look at Mamma) , she breathed her last breath out over my hand. It was bittersweet but I am extremely grateful and honored that I got to share her last moments with her. If you missed my list you can read it here Cancer Won…

When I got out of my bed I stepped on something. There was nothing before when I walked the same space just an hour ago. I grabbed my torch, my Troll was sleeping in his bed and I didn’t want to wake him, I found a rubber fish on the mat. That fish was on my keys. How on earth did it get there when my keys were hanging inside? I knew, Mamma was there.

Life after death

Perhaps she came to say hi/goodbye. Perhaps she just came to check in. I am not superstitious but I do believe in signs and life after death. I forgot to check a specific orchid plant that Mamma bought Dude a few years ago. Last year that orchid had the most beautiful flowers. It also lasted the longest. I have checked it last week and there were many buds already. Now we just wait for the buds to open.

Moving forward

Although, I felt emotional this morning that very emotional state has now become a happy emotional state. Remembering the fond memories I have of her, the time we spent together, even the arguments we had. We loved each other fiercely. I miss her so. She was a beautiful person, but very straight forward. If she didn’t like something she would tell you in no uncertain terms, and there’d NO sugar coating. Some may have taken offense but that is just who she was. She was a happy person, always saying if you are feeling down/sad/depressed/angry/etc just go work off that energy in the garden. Mamma passed away  on a Sunday, we came home for a quick check on things the Monday evening. Tuesday And Wednesday I was broken. I remembered her words and got my pregnant, I was pregnant with Troll at the time, self out of the house and raked up leaves…I spent the entire morning in the garden, working and crying and after that I had a renewed sense of being.

Grief

Grief is difficult but even more so when we see how our kid(s) grieve. Dudie was extremely emotional and even now still misses Mamma terribly. But we allowed  him to grieve her. We even just sat and cried with him at times. We allowed him as much time and space to deal with his emotions. It has definitely become easier to talk about her and see photos of her. For ALL of us.

Spirited Mama

P.S. I still need to plan that Namibian boat cruise that we wanted to do together…I wish Mamma was still around as I can only imagine the excitement as we would have planned this trip…

Mamma….you know I love you

abandoned-ship-ship-snow-night-beach-ships

Image found at www.w-dog.net/wallpaper

Mamma, YOU abandoned our ship. (in case you missed it CANCER WON Mamma lost)

Remember how excited you were to plan our September holiday? Remember how excited you were when I called with the news about the resident alien? Remember how excited you were when you decided we should go on a boat cruise to Namibia? And we were planning for 2017 because we had to wait for the resident alien to arrive? I remember the very first time we drove, me being the driver, on the N1 highway in Cape Town. I was the learner driver, you were the licensed driver – although you never drove. That was just the start of our many drives and adventures. Just the two of us. I miss those drives – which never really had a particular destination.

Then I moved to Pretoria. And we stayed in touch via the phone. Since 2015 you even started using whatsapp – I was so proud of you – keeping in touch with me and technology. You visited and often stayed for 3 months at a time. It wasn’t perfect but we loved you nonetheless. We argued/disagreed/fought but still remained true and loyal to one another. Nothing and no one could break our bond. Our droves continued in Pretoria.

Then started my morning peak hour drive conversations with you. Almost daily we spent an hour talking whilst I was in transit – don’t worry you were on “speaker phone”. When I changed my job to work 7kms from home that hour long conversation was still an hour –  only difference is I used to sit in the parking lot finishing my conversation with you. So many times I was late for work – not because of traffic but because I had to finish my conversation with you. And it was SO worth it. Our random ramblings, some things trivial and some so important and meaningful to us.

Well things have changed. “Life happens when you are making other plans… John Lennon” My LIFE has changed. YOU are no longer here to physically share it with me or my family. We miss. I MISS you. Always! They say that grief gets better with time. I say it doesn’t. We just find ways to live and/or cope with the grief.

Who knew that our holiday in April 2016 would have been our last one together. That this was one of our last breakfasts together.breakfast

That week was so special. One week of just the two of us alone at night, once more sharing a bed. Much like the last week before you became an angel. Just the two of us. A game of Checkers we played – And YOU won. A game of Putt Putt we played in the afternoon rain. And then you chickened out of our night swim that you requested. Was it because you were scared I would see your lump?  Our last supper – your infamous roosterkoekdinner

We talked and laughed so much that night that we hardly slept. The boys came knocking on our door to wake us for breakfast the next day. Those memories are forever in my heart and soul.

Losing you was one of the hardest things that I have to deal with. You are forever etched in my heart, mind and soul. I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me. Your last message to me was cryptic. I still don’t understand but perhaps with time all will be revealed.

Thank you for what you have done for me. But also for what you have taught me. I will do that Namibian boat cruise for you. For us. 

Love and miss you ALWAYS!

L

Spirited Mama

P.S. I sometimes wonder now that you are an angel are you spending time with my resident alien?

 

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