Spirited Mama

YOU have got to take in the BAD to experience the GOOD

Tag: psychology

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My kids make me angry or is it just me needing to express my emotions?

Do my kids really make me angry?

My kids have a set routine and we follow their routines quite efficiently. They know what to expect and when to expect it and this in turn sees them as generally “good” kids. The problem is that I feel they make me angry when they don’t do what I want them to do…when I want them to do it.

I don’t think I have the right to be angry BUT in that moment I am angry and I can’t help it! I breathe, I tell myself to calm the fuck down. It’s not the end of the world BUT to me it feels that I have lost control.

So I’ve been toying with this anger for a while and Tuesday was one of those nights… Our electricity went out just after 8pm. For the record, Troll, 1 yr, goes to bed anywhere from 6 – 7 pm. No issues, no fuss. Dudie, 8 years, goes to bed 7:30 PM but now during school holiday we leave him until generally around 9/10 PM.

Back to Tuesday. Electricity goes out just after 8PM. Granted we have a generator but we had done everything that we needed to so there was technically no reason to use the generator other than to be able to power the aircons. It’s freezing at night.

Troll sleeps in his own room and does not co-sleep with us AT ALL. We expereinced a terrible week of co-sleeping whilst on holiday earlier in teh year and I vowed that we would NOT repeat that again. So we decided it would be a good idea for the rest of the family to catch up on some sleep and turn down early.

Around 9PM, one of the neighbours switched on their generator. WTF! Both dude and I were like, “that generator is going to wake Troll” as it sounds as if it is coming from next door, closest to his window…. And BAM! Baby wakes up and is pissed as hell. So I quickly cuddle him in our bed for some warmth and pray that he just goes back to sleep. That must have lasted 20 minutes…

Troll decided he wants to play because why else would he be in our bed… The dilemma we had was that his room was freezing cos NO aircon! Troll is also a bad, all over the bed, sleeper. So in between Dude and I trying to get him to settle, Dude eventually pipes up that Troll is NOT going to sleep and we should just let him be.

 Where the anger stems from?

So many possible solutions here but let me point out a few:

  • If I have settled my kids, then why are they not settled??? I don’t know how to help you.
  • I feel that I have lost control of the situation.
  • What am I doing wrong? Parenting is kicking my ass. If I can’t manage my kids at 8 years and 1 year, what will I do when they are teenagers…
  • I am tired and just want a good night’s sleep.
  • I’m under pressure and stressed at work.
  • This situation is not conducive to my current mood and is quite inconvenient and inconsiderate right now…
  • I expect my kids to be more mature… How I can think this crap is beyond me. Note to self – THEY ARE KIDS!

I really need to get a grip on these negative thoughts!

How I am managing my anger

I know that many parents feel this way too. It’s not intentional BUT these feelings creep up when I least expect it. Some days I manage the anger well and others NOT.

I want to start making notes of when, where and WHY I became angry. Hopefully, this might point out some triggers for similar situations.

More and more I find myself talking to myself, sometimes aloud. This is not as crazy as you might think because sometimes we need to SAY SOMETHING OUT LOUD and hear YOUR OWN VOICE. You might have that much needed ah-ha moment.

I’m trying my hardest to model good behaviour.

I need regular time-outs! Nothing fancy, just a time-out to do me… some times a walk outside the house to look at our roses bushes does wonders…

Parenting and emotions

Parenting is NOT for the faint hearted! Parenting is very very hard sometimes. It’s an emotional roller coaster. As a woman, I already have dozens of emotions and hormones doing all kinds of crazy things to me and on top of that I still have to keep my emotions in check when parenting. That being said, Parenting is also my greatest achievement!

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Spirited Mama quotes

 

I just can’t imagine living without my offspring…

Spirited Mama

x

 

Random thoughts. Heart, Mind & Soul

I was never one to have very very close relationships with anyone now that I think about it. I had a select few that I really connected with but alas I admit that “life happened” and we have some how lost touch… It’s sad really. Everyone needs a person. And as life progressed I moved through it so fast that I forgot to stop and connect with my person. My person moved away to another country almost 2 years ago…. I miss her terribly…. And I hope that sometime soon I’ll be able to pay her a surprise visit…

I’ve done some digging in my heart, mind & soul and I’ve realised that the disconnect from family life might also be why I disconnect from friends… I’m the person that would walk up to you and just talk you because I felt like, thought you were interesting, or just whatever. I’ve been classified as a “people’s person” but I think it’s more me wanting to please everyone that makes me seem like a people’s person. Dudie has this same personality of just talking to random strangers 🙂 As much as I enjoy him being a sociable child, I’m unsure how to clarify “stranger danger“. You lead by example and if Mom is talking to strangers why can’t he. Oi, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

The crux of the matter is “how can I teach my child to value his friendships or family relationships” when I am not valuing/nurturing mine? I would love to say that it is not intentional but I’m confused and to a degree I think that I am intentionally NOT nurturing relationships. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I think I don’t have the time. And that it’ll all work itself out. Much like I think/hope/pray that my marriage works with minimal effort from my side. Bad attitude – I know. Work in progress.  This might be the actual reason why I smother Dudie 🙂

Enough of my thoughts. I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair, still on of my all time favourites… Click here if you haven’t heard it before or even if you need a feel good song for Friday

P.S. Did I mention that Dudie is learning sign language? It’s an added extra from the school, thanks. My child conversed with me in sign language at 6am this morning…. Needless to say that I need to brush up on my signing… Oh, and he also seems to know some Sotho/Portuguese and French… Class mates, we guess…

Fragile. Beware

My mind is screwing me again…. All those little voices….. All those ideas on how to fix a problem….

I’m trying a new approach. “The road less travelled” in Spiritville. I somehow end up making the same mistakes, then want to beat myself up for not seeing the signs, but then I end up sulking and I desperately try and claw my way out of the hole.

Same shit. Different Day. Same cycle???? WTF? Why? How? Am I just not wired properly?

I know that it’s going to be hard. I know that it’s going to be ugly but I’m hoping that the reward will outweigh all the hardships/obstacles on the journey….

P.S. I can feel an ugly cry coming so I’m signing off for now.

I’m here but my mind is NOT….

I went all Martha on myself!

I read this post about Doing it all by Raising Men and it got me thinking about how I think pretend to be superwoman. And whilst superwoman is flying high suddenly she gets hit by some turbulence and crash lands. But she gracefully gets up, dusts herself and takes to the sky again. This process is on repeat in my world. How do I stop it? Do I want to stop it? After much deliberation, I’ve realised that “that” crash landing is my coping mechanism. I quit smoking in January this year and although I’ve been temtped when facing trying times I’ve stuck to my guns and have not smoked again.

My crash landing is generally somewhere between me having a very very FUGLY cry or me sitting alone in the dark after the everyone’s in bed not being able to focus on anything as I have a gazillion things/ideas/plans/voices wreaking havoc in my head. Sometimes I might even have  a hissy fit and just let rip (read: throw my toys out the cot and scream at Dude). I really try not to take it out on Dudie but damn it’s tough. With Dudie, I kinda do and say stuff without the usual emotions involved. (True story – as Dude pointed this out to me). It really sad ‘cos I can see him distance himself from me at times.

But as we know nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws. And we all try our best. And our best is all we can give. So with that in mind, if you need to have a cry – cry. Put on some mascara and lipgloss and you’ll be ready to face the world again 🙂

Yesterday, after I missed my bus and then the next bus was delayed and then I git a later train, etc, etc, etc… Still, I got home in record time but my mood was a bit “off”. not sure why but as I walked into to the doorway, Dudie greeted me very enthusiastically with a smile but from a distance. When I approached him he ran off. Everytime I tried to get close to him, he ran off. My heart was torn, a bit. But after him showing me how he can do a tumble(bomme la kisie – for those of you that understand that term) and how the fish and oscar can too, and after telling me about his teacher and who know what else he was mumbling, he eventually let me hug him. And then he came to tell me arms stretched out that he loves me to the end of the earth and back(and then when you get to the word back – we hug). My heart melted and I forgot all about that rejection… By the way this is how I tell him how much I love him, all the time.

He saw Dude wanting to chuck the Ultramel custard and went all “Pleease can I  have custard?” We tried to explain that the custard has been in the fridge for a few days, well we don’t really know how long, and we not sure that it’s still edible – He can’t have. Immediately, my light bulb came on, as I realised that I have custard powder in he cupboard. Well , I organised the Dudie, who of course offered to help.

I then made a bread pudding and custard. My kid thinks I’m the greatest as I can make custard 🙂

Exhibit A

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

exhibit B – My portion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And this is how I went all Martha Stewart on myself. I’m so proud of well I handle the “ups” but I’m not so sure about the “down” period. Luckily, in my opinion, it seems that the recovery period in “down” is so much quicker than before.

P.S. Today’s school drive conversation with Dudie

We drive past a building with animal statues every morning. And it’s the best game ever to spot as many animals as possible. I watch his reaction in my mirror whilst driving ‘cos you know I still need to keep an eye on the road too.

Me: I see the Giraffes

Dudie: I can’t see

<There was a bus driving next to us and I was trying to slow down and not influence the traffic too much but I could see my plan was not working quick enough for him.>

Dudie: The bus needs to go fast. I can’t see!!! I can’t see! Jusses(yes, I know it’s bad to use the lord’s name in vain – but who hasn’t). Come on man!

Me: You know that’s not nice. I know that you’re frustrated but maybe you can express yourself in a different manner.

Dudie: Rolls his eyes at me… Oh my Gosh! Jusses. Come on man!

I nearly pee’d my pants trying not to laugh. This child is not even three. I sent Dude a message about the incident and very politely mentioned that “jusses, Come on man” is his saying…. I’m yet to receive a reply.

P.P.S Let me get on with being super careerwoman now.

SpiritedMama

Finding Closure (Take 2………….)

So as you know I’ve put my big humongous secret out in the open. If you have no idea what I’m talking about read this before continuing with this post….

It is such a relief knowing that I’m not the only silent sufferer…. But silent I will be no longer. And I think that by spreading awareness, I’m counselling myself……..

I had an *aha* moment when I published that post. Something in me let go when I published that post. I felt lighter, less burdened and life seemed brighter. I have heard and read about others that too went through this trauma and My Gloria, it’s liberating to know that I’m not the only one suffering in silence.

It’s one thing for people to offer support and a shoulder/ear and I can’t express my gratitude for the masses that have done just that. But it’s so awesome when you can talk to someone who knows exactly what you’re talking about. Or what you’re feeling or not feeling, I really really battle to express my emotions even when enraged. The tone that I project is only but a fraction of what I’m truly experiencing. Sad isn’t it. And I don’t do it deliberately. It comes naturally!

There are so many people out there who have been through the same/similar experiences; it’s actually horrific to think how common/often it happens. And it just gets swept under a carpet…. It sickens me to this day, just to think of it. But all of us are survivors. And we’ve found a way, whatever it may be to cope with our lives. Somewhere something had to give. And for me I still think that it’s my emotional development. I battle, really battle with my emotions! Nothing that anyone can say will fix.

My emotional development stop at age 8! In one of my therapy sessions I was asked how I treat my son. I shower him with cuddles/hugs/kisses/ and I remind him that I love him and that he is important to me. In the session, I could not even remember how I was treated. I don’t remember being hugged/kissed, not even by my own mother. I don’t remember her being affectionate towards my brother either.  It emerged that I have blocked many memories and even up until today, there are many things that I have no recollection of.

I’ve asked Melinda, at Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby, if I could link her post to mine. She agreed but I also wanted share some of the email:

“Melinda:

Sharing our stories is the most liberating thing. I think the thing that keeps us trapped is this huge sense of shame and secret we walk around with

We are not alone. There are more people who have gone through this than we know and if we can tell our story without fear of being judged and heal some of the hurt then why not!”

So if you haven’t read her story go check it out My greatest fear

To all survivors

I sit and wonder, way too often, who I would’ve been. How my life would’ve been. But then I remember my Dude & Dudie, they are my greatest blessings. And it is, in fact, for them that I persevere. I often feel lost in the world. But I do have an unexplainable urge to live! I will take it in my stride to face the world day by day. And whilst my urge is burning, I will push on. As for finding my voice, I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. What I do know, is that I will live MY Life!

Spirited Mama

Xoxoxo

Finding Nemo… Just kidding. Finding Closure (Take 1billioneth something something)

I’m slowly realising where my problem lies, and it is in fact not entirely my fault. I was bred/reared/raised this way. What I need to rectify is that I need to consciously try not to make the same mistakes. And not want to retreat every time I have a confrontational situation with family. I’m good at dealing with confrontation/conflict in my workspace/world but as soon as it involves family – I crumble. i could be putty – I kid you not! There is something seriously off with “that” behaviour and for some weird reason I can’t justify/explain it.

<Parents do you know how you can damage/traumatise/fck up a child during their formative years. And let’s not even get into the therapy bills that child will have as an adult.>

 Life has been relative ok, some minor challenges but if I look back it all seemed normal. Accept for when you’re in the moment and everything is happening to you and you get stuck in the traffic everyday for 2hrs minimum, then finding that happy space is extremely difficult. Just this morning my darling Dude, bbm’d me. Message was that I should be calm and it’s because we’re allowing a certain negative energy into our lives, hence we’re attracting it. And like in the Bad Boys movie, I should Woosa(not sure of spelling).  My response: Woosa’s mother! See how far I’ve drifted from my happy space.

Well I got to the office in one piece, after I sat in the car just regrouping for 20minutes. I seriously considered going back home and crawling into bed.

Back to the topic…. My parents fucked up! And they did this very royally. And they still continue to do so.

A little background info:

I am the eldest of two kids. I was born out of wedlock to a 19 yr old mother and 18yr old father. My brother is 9yrs younger than me.  I might go into other details some other time but basically, our family was fucked from the word go!In no way am I saying that having kids young/out of wedlock is skewed, it’s just my opinion of my immediate family. The relationship was volatile to begin with, it seems. All the arguments/drinking/screaming/shouting/cussing. It just didn’t seem healthy.

<I’m battling to write this as I’ve never written this before and only a very very select few know this>

My father sexually fondled me at the age of 8yrs. My mother was highly pregnant at the time. We seemed relatively “well off” as we were always fed/clean/well dressed/ always got what we asked for/etc… But as long as I can remember, I always said that I’d rather be poo and be happy than live like this! I was and still am so unhappy that I had to live like that. I really can’t accept that it wasn’t my fault. What could I do. I did have the “no one cares” feeling ‘cos why wouldn’t other family say/do something!!!! But they never knew what happened behind those walls. Only until recently, two family members learnt the “actual” truth. One had a half truth and one was completely dumbstruck when I explained the situation. Oh, and yes, she’s still married to him….20yrs later

I started therapy a good few years back, apart from the session that my mother took me to after the abuse. 8yr old child into a session with the mother. I too am a mother. And after years of battling my emtions. Not knowing what is going on with me, I realised that when my child was born, I will protect him with everything I’ve got! Against anyone wanting to harm him. I realised why I never had that “connection” with my own mother. She never protected me. She let me down. She disappointed me. And nothing she says can ever change that. She chose to put me and my brother second! And it really seems as if she doesn’t see what this did/is doing to us. She’ learnt this pretend lifestyle that she’ll beat even the highest paid hollywood actress with her show. She’s that good.

So there you have it. I’ve tried and tried to find my closure as this part of my life always creeps up on me. I’m sitting here and wondering exactly how I’m suppose to just move on with my life when this cloud hangs over my head constantly. I’ve these feelings of just not ever speaking to either of them again. I dread having to see them at family functions. I’d rather not go. I really can’t bring myself to call them mother and father anymore…

My brother and I have started working on our relationship. It’s going, with some cracks. But it’ll take some time to find our groove as we’ve literally not been in touch, properly, for years. On a different note, he’s about to graduate. He’s 20 and he’s baby girl is 3months old. I went cold when I heard the news of the pregnancy, as I thought, history is repeating itself. His daughter is going to visit that house with my father there. I’m scared shitless for this little girl. I don’t know whether to tell my brother now and this is why:

1. He’ll probably lose it and the end result might be something that no one can solve/fix/resurrect

2. He will not graduate at the end of the year so all his time studying is wasted…. What about his girlfriend and their baby

3. When do I really tell him or do I just wait for him to ask me what happened…

This post is quite confusing. And before I decided to keep this secret with me I’m publishing

‘cos that’s how we rolled – State secrets and all. The Gov.ernm. ent have nothing on us….

BUT that’s not how I want to roll………….. So this is me trying to find my own little sense of closure…

When Life happens

Life lately

Ok, maybe you’ve noticed that I’m in a bit of a “challenging space” in my head, it seems. And maybe you haven’t. That too is ok. We’re all human and like John Lennon said “life is what happens when you’re making other plans” or something to that effect. I’ve been pinning things/emotions/ideas/solutions/problems/etc in my head. I’m not kidding, my head is buzzing. Non Stop. I literally wake during the night processing my thoughts…. WTF!

I’ve realised that I’m delusional. I set an alarm to wake 45 mins earlier so as to squeeze in a 30min exercise session. At home. I am not a gym person, so we’ve semi converted my Dude’s lapa into our mini workout area. Trick is that no one has really actively used the workout area since… I can’t even remember when. My Dude has decided that maybe we convert our spare bedroom into our “new” workout area… Great plan! I have all these ideas about making it all funky and stuff. But will we use it? I don’t know… He probably will, I on the other hand will have a million excuses not to 🙂

Life happens

On that note, I need/want to get into shape. And I’ve decided that Winter 2012 is when I’ll pull myself towards myself and just DO IT! Well, The alarm was set on Sunday evening. Morning morning I snoozed until past the time I needed to get ready for work. Tuesday, same shit different day. Wednesday, well I attempted to lift my lovely Feather Down Duvet off me and quickly decided that tomorrow is another day. Who said you need to start a fitness programme on a Monday? Why can’t it start Thursday….

I still hear voices

On the thoughts in my head, I’m getting there. I’m battling with myself and it seems I’m losing the fight. I’ve realised that after a lengthy discussion with a relative, I’ve opened up some wounds. In me. I’m raw. And I’m trying to cover it up. It creeps through. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’ve been picking up my pieces as I go along my day/days. I’m emotionally tired/ Spiritually drained. Physically, I’m exhausted.  But I kick my self under the butt each morning to get going.

I see the change in my behaviour, and I don’t like it. I’m less patient. Less tolerant. Abrupt. Sarcastic. I’m trying to change it. But I don’t handle change well. Why I don’t know. I just don’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As if I don’t have enough to deal with, I/we are also looking for a new school for Dudie. He has outgrown his current school. I/we can see that he needs more….

Spirited Mama

I call it multi-skilling

My husband has reminded me that I have conversations in my head and then proceed to finish these conversations with him all whilst he was not included from the start. I’d say something and he’d be like… What? and I’d be like but I told you this. And then the debate <read: argument> commences. He said she said, you know how it goes.

My question is: Do you think that your behaviour rubs off onto your spouse and vice versa?

<I realised that my husband internalised certain conversations too>

Nevertheless, I always defend myself when accused of having internal conversations. And then this morning I realised, Fck! I’m having a full-blown conversation with myself. Like I’m talking aloud to myself. Asking questions and then answering and then disagreeing with myself…

Then, I wondered if this would be classified as having multiple personalities? I haven’t googled it yet but probably will later. I just decided that for now: I CALL IT MULTI-SKILLING!

Spirited Mama

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