10 years ago

 I am trying to get myself out of somewhat of a “bad” space. It’s mostly in my head but it’s there none the less. <I’m not my usual “happy camper” self and the effects are rubbing off onto my family. Trouble is, I just couldn’t put a finger on it and say “Ta Da! That’s what’s wrong or needs fixing.>

I’ve decided that for the sake of the greater good maybe I should just abstain from blogging as my equilibrium was/is shifting. And I really did not want to rant/vent here.

I’ve been finding it a tad bit difficult to see that light at the end of the tunnel. But let me assure myself that I see a faint one none the less. And I think that with perseverance and hard work, I just might get closer and closer to that light. Mommy.ville has been challenging as Dudie challenges me around each and every corner. I very rarely give a pat on the bum/hand as I prefer the “1-2-3 time-out” method.  This was going swimmingly until recently. When I start with 1, he says 2-3 and then waits for my response. My response now is 1 – get the chair and put in time-out. I don’t even get to 2.

Wife.ville has been challenging. Dude is feeling neglected. He doesn’t feel the sense of “belonging”. I get that. And I’ve taken stock as to how/where tis happens. Oh my Gloria, it happens so easily. I get on with “my stuff” without him. And I feel less guilty when he’s working on a weekend as I then have justification for my behaviour. I’m trotting into dangerous territory here, as we had a very blunt argument/venting discussion about it.  I’m numb to the core. Part of me wants to be a stubborn biatch and tell him to go fck himself but when I think about how I feel about him, I’m seriously not willing to part ways with him. I really need to work at my marriage!

Work has been work. Filled with mundane tasks yet also I feel that my cup desk runneth over with admin. I’m yet to sort out some crap with some people.

 I’ve assessed my situation, and it’s pretty fcked up. If you walked in my front door tomorrow, you’d think that we were a well balanced household. I’m a crafty wife too. But on the back burner, if you stayed awhile and paid attention, you’d see that I’m actually finding it extremely difficult to balance life/marriage/mommy.ville/work/etc….

 Something’s gotta give. And for a while it’s been work. And my Dude. I need to fix this. Work can stay exactly where it is. But I need to fix my relationship with Dude.

 <We’ve been existing in the same house. How is that even possible? Just putting these thoughts out is making me emotional again. I don’t want to exist. I want to live!>