Can I just rewind for 1 year?

This photo was taken the day after Mamma passed on. Credit goes out to my Dude for capturing the grey skies, which is exactly what we felt in our hearts…an uncertainty of how to move on from here….

It’s been 1 year since I said goodbye to Mamma. I whole year without her yet it only feels like it was yesterday…the heartache is still there but it’s not as raw as it used to be. I can look at her photo without feeling an emotional storm brewing inside of me.

This morning I was extremely restless, granted we only got home at 1am from ER but that is a post for another day….I only went to bed after 2am and by then I was too exhausted to sleep. Do you also experience this? I get to a point where I’ve missed my cues to sleep.

I woke up just after 4am, and realised last year this time was my “calm” period. I felt something, it was in fact euphoria. And in that moment I realised it was in fact my last time with Mamma. On 28 August 2016 @ 04:22 (I know the exact time as I just checked my phone and used the torch app to look at Mamma) , she breathed her last breath out over my hand. It was bittersweet but I am extremely grateful and honored that I got to share her last moments with her. If you missed my list you can read it here Cancer Won…

When I got out of my bed I stepped on something. There was nothing before when I walked the same space just an hour ago. I grabbed my torch, my Troll was sleeping in his bed and I didn’t want to wake him, I found a rubber fish on the mat. That fish was on my keys. How on earth did it get there when my keys were hanging inside? I knew, Mamma was there.

Life after death

Perhaps she came to say hi/goodbye. Perhaps she just came to check in. I am not superstitious but I do believe in signs and life after death. I forgot to check a specific orchid plant that Mamma bought Dude a few years ago. Last year that orchid had the most beautiful flowers. It also lasted the longest. I have checked it last week and there were many buds already. Now we just wait for the buds to open.

Moving forward

Although, I felt emotional this morning that very emotional state has now become a happy emotional state. Remembering the fond memories I have of her, the time we spent together, even the arguments we had. We loved each other fiercely. I miss her so. She was a beautiful person, but very straight forward. If she didn’t like something she would tell you in no uncertain terms, and there’d NO sugar coating. Some may have taken offense but that is just who she was. She was a happy person, always saying if you are feeling down/sad/depressed/angry/etc just go work off that energy in the garden. Mamma passed away  on a Sunday, we came home for a quick check on things the Monday evening. Tuesday And Wednesday I was broken. I remembered her words and got my pregnant, I was pregnant with Troll at the time, self out of the house and raked up leaves…I spent the entire morning in the garden, working and crying and after that I had a renewed sense of being.

Grief

Grief is difficult but even more so when we see how our kid(s) grieve. Dudie was extremely emotional and even now still misses Mamma terribly. But we allowed  him to grieve her. We even just sat and cried with him at times. We allowed him as much time and space to deal with his emotions. It has definitely become easier to talk about her and see photos of her. For ALL of us.

Spirited Mama

P.S. I still need to plan that Namibian boat cruise that we wanted to do together…I wish Mamma was still around as I can only imagine the excitement as we would have planned this trip…