Spirited Mama

YOU have got to take in the BAD to experience the GOOD

Category: emotions (Page 1 of 5)

To my first born. You ARE a good child!

My first born… 7 years old already

Where is the time flying to???

You know that moment when you realise your baby isn’t a baby anymore….Dudie is 7 years old. 7!!! He used to call me mommy/mama now it’s just mom. Sometimes he even uses my first name, bless this child. He is so independent but yet still so dependent on mom. Where did the last 7 years go?

One minute I was looking at a 3.4kg chubby face whom I had just birthed and the next he is in Grade 2. Somedays I miss your incessant staring at me and in the same breath I look forward to watching you grow into a handsome young man. A man who will become the object of some woman’s affection yet you will always be the object of my heart and soul.

Your first cry made me cry

From the moment I heard your first cry, you literally came screaming into this world, I knew you were destined for great things. Your first cry made me cry. Of all the emotions I was experiencing, being hormonal and high on adrenaline as I just birthed my child drug free, I was ecstatic. Some things will be discovered later but for now, we support you in whatever you want to do. We want to give all the opportunities possible. We want you to explore, to live, to dream. To find your happiness. And wow, you have proven to be an all rounder…and we are SUPER proud of you. In any and everything you give it your best shot.

Your good shines through

Your friends look up to you. Some days I think you are the cool kid but you nonchalantly wave me off and just hang out with your friends. Adults comment on your excellent behaviour. I smile proudly and take the compliment whilst quietly thinking to myself “You aint seen this monkey when he loses his shit”. You are a good child and don’t you ever forget that. Some days you just fall by the wayside…just as many of us adults do. It’s life, it happens. You know how sometimes you tell me my face has an angry stare but I insist that I am fine. Well, that is mom falling by the wayside. Or when mom doesn’t seem her talkative self, yip that is mom falling by the wayside.

You are a good child

In essence, I want you to know that not everyone is good at everything all the time. So when you do fall by the wayside, cut yourself some slack and don’t be so hard on yourself. At the tender age of 7 years I see how hard you are on yourself. And I know you don’t want to disappoint us. Remember what we always say:

“Just try your best. You should be proud of yourself. Your best is good enough for us and should be for you too.” Spirited Mama

You are a good child. And I am blessed to call you my son. My love for you is fierce. And it burns like a roaring fire in my soul. I am sorry that it doesn’t always seem that way though.

I love you my child. Be fearless. Discover. Go on adventures. Go live YOUR best life.

Spirited Mama

x

P.S. Today was a typical day where the wheels fell off the bus. I got you up and going happy bedhead and all. Somewhere in between me calmly, I promise I was calm and there was no shouting, asking you to get done for the millionth time you lost your shit with me. You went off on a tangent and then I got the dreaded “you give Troll more attention than me”. OMG! Really? I will need to rethink this situation as I really don’t think it’s true but I will merit your concerns and address them. I do think we are going through a difficult patch as you are struggling to manage your emotions. And I do think Troll definitely  makes a huge impact on the situation right now. (Adulting and parenting is hard…🙈)

Last night was opening night for your Concert. As always, the moment you take the stage my tears roll. I am so proud of you, how confident you are, how much you pour your heart and sould into everything you do. When I offered you a sandwich, you politely declined because you didn’t want to ruin the makeup 😂😂😂

Learning to value MY own opinion

My opinion matters

I am learning to value and appreciate MY own opinion more and more each day. There was a time where I too was looking for my parents’ recognition BUT I am happy to report that those days are long gone. And guess what Life has been so much better since.

However, I am my worst critic…

I came across this post over at Tyranny of pink. So well said. It was and is what has been lying in my subconscious for a very very long time. Somehow, I just needed to get over myself and tell myself out old that “I AM ENOUGH”!

Spirited Mama

x

P.S. Tomorrow is #37weekspregnant. Dr will decide tomorrow if the resident alien should come this week or if we can wait until #38weekspregnant. I’m freaking out just a tad as it feels it’s happening too soon…

2016 the year that has been…

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(image sourced from google)

As I picked up my proverbial pen to start blogging again, I had a renewed sense of “me”. It was my calm. It was and is my outlet. It is my CANVAS.

This year has at times been trying. It’s been rough. It’s been busy. It’s been great too.

We have lost loved ones…and in turn gained new family members too. It is also the year that we found out that the Spirited family is growing.

As we prepare to create memories of the festivities for 2016, we also prepare for the imminent arrival of a New Year. A new CANVAS. A new baby. A renewed sense of “us”. 2016 is the last year that we are a family of three. We said goodbye to a stalwart in my family “MAMMA”. We have had way too many CANCER diagnoses amongst family and friends. I have gone back to working my half day JOB and frankly I think if I didn’t may have lost my sanity…

Slowly but surely I am accepting “me” for me. I am enough for me. I can only do so much. I too am only human. I found that I have sort of strayed away from God, not intentionally, but I just don’t think I purposely made a great effort to affirm my faith. I am working on restoring my faith. I am taking stock of life and counting my blessings, as we have been abundantly blessed. We have helped some family through trying times but I also think that it’s time to cut myself some slack and let it go. God will take care of it now as I cannot make them do what they need to do.

We had some great holidays and even managed a trip to Hong Kong this year. We are super proud of Dudie for completing Grade 1 this year. For all his achievements in academia and sports – this kid really did work hard.

So cheers to 2016 – the year that has been. You are etched in my soul. Looking forward to 2017! To less worrying and more time for making and creating memories…

Spirited Mama

Stop and play with the bubblewrap

Sometimes we need to STOP and play

Sometimes we get so busy and forget to just enjoy our present situations and be grateful for our blessings. Dudie and I are in a foul space. We are constantly bickering and quite frankly I’m not sure why. I am concerned that it may have something to do with the impending arrival of the resident alien, who is due in 13 weeks. Could it be a result of him not wanting to share my attention? Could it be that I am talking about the baby more and more?

Dude started painting the baby room, we had a slight mishap read here if you missed it, but thankfully that is now fixed. Soon we will no longer be 3 but 4 humans in the Spirited household.

Stop for some adjustments

As much as it is an adjustment for the adults, I cannot even begin to imagine how my 7yr old must feel. Suddenly, there will be a cute, cuddly and sweet smelling person in our family ALL the time. Suddenly, he needs to share his mom and dad with a sibling. It must be rough.

I am hoping that Dudie and the resident alien will become bosom friends and that they will share a love and connection so strong that nothing and no one can ever break it.

As for now, it is finally Friday. It feels like this week has taken forever. I am tired and my feet are swollen, #27weekspregnant .

I received a package the other day but I will share that news another day. My Dudie was way more excited for the bubblewrap in the box. Even the dog got into playing with the bubblewrap. Dude wanted to throw the bubblewrap away and Dudie protested. As pictured above even the dog went to lie on the bubblewrap to keep Dude from throwing it away.

It’s the small things, like watching Dudie and the dog, find their joy in playing with bubblewrap that fills my soul. I too have a love for bubblewrap. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I NEED to slow down, not because #Iampregnant but because I will miss out on the best patts of life if I continue to rush through it.

Happy Friday!

Spirited Mama

P.S. We had a freak storm last night and again at 1am this morning.

P.P.S I am taking the morning off to feed my unborn baby butter biscuits and lie in bed, whilst Dudie is at school.

Recharge….

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I am writing this post whilst sitting on a blue bench at Uvongo Beach. It is a sunny but overcast breezy day at the ocean. The breeze is exactly what I need as I feel like I suddenly have hot flushes. The ocean spray feels soft and cooling on my sunkissed face.

It is magnificent. It is breath taking. It is GOD’s creation. And I am basking in its glow. I am humbled and grateful for a weekend of connecting with myself, Dude, Dudie and God. Somehow, spiritually I am at peace. I woke up everyday feeling extremely grateful for a new day, for our blessings but also just for another beautiful day.

Our car is packed to make our way back to Gauteng but we are not done with Kwazulu Natal just yet. As I write this post Dude and Dudie are fiahing from the pier. We are still on our way to Durban itself, for a stopover at UShaka. We can never be this close and NOT stop at Gorimas at UShaka. They have the yummiest butter biscuits as well as spices.

For now I am signing off to enjoy every bit of This magnificent view. To soak up the sun and to wet my feet in this warm ocean current. What a way to start a MONDAY. I feel alive.

Spirited Mama

P.S. Dude and I were having the discussion at the fireside lat night about how recharged we feel. He feels like he has been on holiday for six months.

This is how we roll. We take frequent breaks. Because we know how draining life can be. We often need a recharge. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of God’s grace.

Mamma….you know I love you

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Image found at www.w-dog.net/wallpaper

Mamma, YOU abandoned our ship. (in case you missed it CANCER WON Mamma lost)

Mamma

Remember how excited you were to plan our September holiday? Remember how excited you were when I called with the news about the resident alien? Remember how excited you were when you decided we should go on a boat cruise to Namibia? And we were planning for 2017 because we had to wait for the resident alien to arrive? I remember the very first time we drove, me being the driver, on the N1 highway in Cape Town. I was the learner driver, you were the licensed driver – although you never drove. That was just the start of our many drives and adventures. Just the two of us. I miss those drives – which never really had a particular destination.

Then I moved to Pretoria. And we stayed in touch via the phone. Since 2015 you even started using whatsapp – I was so proud of you – keeping in touch with me and technology. You visited and often stayed for 3 months at a time. It wasn’t perfect but we loved you nonetheless. We argued/disagreed/fought but still remained true and loyal to one another. Nothing and no one could break our bond. Our droves continued in Pretoria.

Then started my morning peak hour drive conversations with you. Almost daily we spent an hour talking whilst I was in transit – don’t worry you were on “speaker phone”. When I changed my job to work 7kms from home that hour long conversation was still an hour –  only difference is I used to sit in the parking lot finishing my conversation with you. So many times I was late for work – not because of traffic but because I had to finish my conversation with you. And it was SO worth it. Our random ramblings, some things trivial and some so important and meaningful to us.

Our lives changed

Well things have changed. “Life happens when you are making other plans… John Lennon” My LIFE has changed. YOU are no longer here to physically share it with me or my family. We miss. I MISS you. Always! They say that grief gets better with time. I say it doesn’t. We just find ways to live and/or cope with the grief.

Who knew that our holiday in April 2016 would have been our last one together. That this was one of our last breakfasts together.breakfast

That week was so special. One week of just the two of us alone at night, once more sharing a bed. Much like the last week before you became an angel. Just the two of us. A game of Checkers we played – And YOU won. A game of Putt Putt we played in the afternoon rain. And then you chickened out of our night swim that you requested. Was it because you were scared I would see your lump?  Our last supper – your infamous roosterkoekdinner

We talked and laughed so much that night that we hardly slept. The boys came knocking on our door to wake us for breakfast the next day. Those memories are forever in my heart and soul.

The hardest thing in my life

Losing you was one of the hardest things that I have to deal with. You are forever etched in my heart, mind and soul. I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me. Your last message to me was cryptic. I still don’t understand but perhaps with time all will be revealed.

Thank you for what you have done for me. But also for what you have taught me. I will do that Namibian boat cruise for you. For us. 

Love and miss you ALWAYS!

L

Spirited Mama

P.S. I sometimes wonder now that you are an angel are you spending time with my resident alien?

 

Today is rough

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(Really can’t remember where I got this quote from but I’m sure you will find it on Google)

Today is rough. I am still raw with emotion but getting better. I actually didn’t realise how raw my emotional hurt for Mamma still was…. The hurt, the pain, the longing for Mamma is as fierce as my LOVE for Mamma. It’s only been 52 days since CANCER WON.

Yesterday was my birthday. It started as a great day and ended as a great day. In between is where I buckled…

We went out to dinner to our favourite Mimmos, funny how we have shared that place with Mamma too before. As we walked in there was an older lady with short grey hair wearing the exact same blue top that was indeed one of Mamma’s favourites. Well I cried for more than half the dinner. I even cried after she had left. I cried when I got home and I cried some more when I went to bed. Dude feels it was a sign that Mamma was there celebrating with us.

The hurt doesn’t get better with time. We only find ways to live and cope with it!

Spirited Mama

Miss you always Mamma!

Cadbury’s Peanut Tumbles.. I miss you…

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Where do I even start??? I am so pissed actually. I have been hunting down Cadbury‘s Peanut Tumbles but can’t find it anywhere…Like nowhere in Pretoria can I find just one freaking packet…And what gets to me is that this hunt has been on for a long long long ass time now.

Cadbury this is my plea to you. Please bring Peanut tumbles back….

Love how you say “Let the joy find you” well I am searching and just not finding MY joy!!!!

Spirited Mama

Random update on Spiritville

We have been sick and STILL are sick. Spiritville is flu and bronchitis breeding grounds right now…I had no choice but to start a course of antibiotics myself, even though I would rather not considering our resident alien aka baby in utero….but rather safe than sorry.

CANCER SUCKS!!!! Mamma is getting weaker by the day…I literally almost burst into tears when I saw a photo that was taken of her this morning… She is NOT the same person I saw 2 weeks ago…She is also not the same person in the photos that were taken last week. How does one even begin to comprehend what is happening to her right now. I am running things through my mind and thinking should I go to Cape Town tomorrow or should I go next week or the next? I just don’t know!

Dudie and I are at war it seems…we are constantly fighting and just not seeing eye to eye. It really tiring and emotionally draining. He challenges everything I say or do. Why is the universe out to get me???

I have deadlines and work etc etc etc…but that is just life in general. Right now with everything going on it just feels TOO much and I really just want to break out into an ugly cry all the time…I worry about the resident alien because all these emotions can’t be good…

Sorry that I have nothing positive today but right now I just want to hide under my desk and have my ugly cries….

Spirited Mama

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Siblings – building solid lasting relationships

The thought of Dudie growing up alone has always haunted me and for a very long long long time I wrestled with the idea of having another child. Well 2016 was apparently the year that we decided was a good year to grow Spiritville. In case you were not aware, yes we have a resident alien aka baby, due in Feb 2017…

The idea of having another little person to take care and be my responsibility until the day that I leave this earth is causing some lots of anxiety. But the idea is growing on me and luckily at a much faster rate than my belly…We are excited and nervous and happy and scared all at the same time. There is no handbook to guide you to raise your perfect little angel. We can only hope and pray that what we are doing and teaching our kid(s) will be sufficient for them to become admirable, strong, focused, resilient young adults someday…

Another pressing thought that has been weighing me down is the age gap between Dudie and the resident alien…they will have a SEVEN year gap. Now, I have always said that I am not cut out for two babies and if I ever had another child I will not have them on top of one another. A seven year gaps does give me some sort of a paralysed feeling because doing the math I realised that we would have a teenager and a toddler in the house. When Dudie starts high school, grade 8, then the resident alien would start grade 1…

This morning I found an article on ALL4WOMEN, fostering a strong relationship between siblings. It resonated with me not only because I have a sibling and although we have a 9 year age gap, I’m the older one, but also because I don’t think my parents actively tried to foster a stronger relationship between us. We, my brother and I, are steadily working on our relationship currently. Perhaps my parents just thought that we were generations apart and that they were unsure of how to salvage the gap in our relationship… I am keeping my anxiety at bay and trying to be proactive to foster a relationship between Dudie and his unborn brother…Oh yes, IT’S A BOY!!!

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I will constantly try my best to ensure that MY TWO boys will know that they are blood brothers and no matter what nothing and no one can take that away from them. What they make of their relationship is up to them but for as long as what I am around I will encourage, love and support their relationship.

Happy Friday!

Spirited Mama

P.S. Mamma had a biopsy but now we wait with baited breath. We will only know what the plan of action/way forward is next week once all the doctors have decided…If you missed it then read the post When CANCER happens…My family fights back

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