It’s been 1 year…

On August 28, 2017

Can I just rewind for 1 year?

This photo was taken the day after Mamma passed on. Credit goes out to my Dude for capturing the grey skies, which is exactly what we felt in our hearts…an uncertainty of how to move on from here….

It’s been 1 year since I said goodbye to Mamma. I whole year without her yet it only feels like it was yesterday…the heartache is still there but it’s not as raw as it used to be. I can look at her photo without feeling an emotional storm brewing inside of me.

This morning I was extremely restless, granted we only got home at 1am from ER but that is a post for another day….I only went to bed after 2am and by then I was too exhausted to sleep. Do you also experience this? I get to a point where I’ve missed my cues to sleep.

I woke up just after 4am, and realised last year this time was my “calm” period. I felt something, it was in fact euphoria. And in that moment I realised it was in fact my last time with Mamma. On 28 August 2016 @ 04:22 (I know the exact time as I just checked my phone and used the torch app to look at Mamma) , she breathed her last breath out over my hand. It was bittersweet but I am extremely grateful and honored that I got to share her last moments with her. If you missed my list you can read it here Cancer Won…

When I got out of my bed I stepped on something. There was nothing before when I walked the same space just an hour ago. I grabbed my torch, my Troll was sleeping in his bed and I didn’t want to wake him, I found a rubber fish on the mat. That fish was on my keys. How on earth did it get there when my keys were hanging inside? I knew, Mamma was there.

Life after death

Perhaps she came to say hi/goodbye. Perhaps she just came to check in. I am not superstitious but I do believe in signs and life after death. I forgot to check a specific orchid plant that Mamma bought Dude a few years ago. Last year that orchid had the most beautiful flowers. It also lasted the longest. I have checked it last week and there were many buds already. Now we just wait for the buds to open.

Moving forward

Although, I felt emotional this morning that very emotional state has now become a happy emotional state. Remembering the fond memories I have of her, the time we spent together, even the arguments we had. We loved each other fiercely. I miss her so. She was a beautiful person, but very straight forward. If she didn’t like something she would tell you in no uncertain terms, and there’d NO sugar coating. Some may have taken offense but that is just who she was. She was a happy person, always saying if you are feeling down/sad/depressed/angry/etc just go work off that energy in the garden. Mamma passed away on a Sunday, we came home for a quick check on things the Monday evening. Tuesday And Wednesday I was broken. I remembered her words and got my pregnant, I was pregnant with Troll at the time, self out of the house and raked up leaves…I spent the entire morning in the garden, working and crying and after that I had a renewed sense of being.

Grief

Grief is difficult but even more so when we see how our kid(s) grieve. Dudie was extremely emotional and even now still misses Mamma terribly. But we allowed him to grieve her. We even just sat and cried with him at times. We allowed him as much time and space to deal with his emotions. It has definitely become easier to talk about her and see photos of her. For ALL of us.

Spirited Mama

P.S. I still need to plan that Namibian boat cruise that we wanted to do together…I wish Mamma was still around as I can only imagine the excitement as we would have planned this trip…

The hours in my day

By spiritedmama1

On June 14, 2017

In Parenting, Reflections

Hello, in this little Spirited Family, if you have read some of my posts, nothing is uneventful. Sometimes, I wonder if what is actually happening is real or a dream. By golly, I sometimes sit and reflect on our life and literally end up laughing out loud at some of the shit that happens. This family can be funny….but we are a herd and we love each other. That’s all that matters…

The hours

I’ve been MIA because life has been CRAY CRAY… me getting back to work after maternity leave, Troll starting at his daycare, me getting into a routine with the school run for 2 kids. WHOA! Who knew adding 1 little person can rock the boat that much. For most of it, we have fun in the mornings, even when I’m freaking out that we are running late. Some mornings it’s a screaming match. Some mornings we look like the Brady bunch.

But here’s a rundown of the day before I started working again:

The day started off fairly well. Dudie didn’t have too many issues getting up or getting ready for school. Dude sends me a message “Enjoy your last day at home”. I have been taking Troll to his daycare every morning for a week to get used to his new environment too. I generally sit in the office and watch him on the monitors fro an hour of so. Then we leave for home. After the school run, I dash back to Dudie’s school to buy books on his wishlist from the Travelling Bookshop. (I never carry cash so I had to go swipe my card myself – imagine me giving Dudie all that cash – Uhm I think NOT!). Then my Aunt calls to say they are in the city for a few hours, can we have a quick visit? I say sure but I have a few errands and will call when I’m home. Then Troll decides to be miserable and make a monster poop. I quickly calculate and decide we are only 5 km’s from home, let’s go home.

How do the hours in a day go by so quickly?

At home, I change Troll and give him a solid feed. I make myself a warm steaming cup of coffee. One of our dogs seems to think she is a cat. So the cat decided to become Houdini, and jumped the wall or escaped somehow… Troll decides to make an explosive poop AGAIN! I change him, and voila as I pick him up he vomits all over both of us. So I change him and myself… My phone keeps ringing. It’s the neighbour to tell me the dog is casually lying outside in front of their gate…WTF? How did she get there? I rush outside to take her back in. Give her a stern scolding and let it be.

Troll decides to nap and I think, fuck it, let me enjoy this coffee. Then the estate agent calls, she has a potential tenant for us but urgently needs the key to the flat. So I say ok I will bring the key in a bit. By now, it’s 11am and I now need to race all the way to the other end of Pretoria and drop the keys and then race back for Dudie’s pickup. Then I remembered I needed stuff for Troll. I pack up the sleeping baby and stop at Clicks. OMG!!!! This Clicks is becoming notorious for the lack of “efficient” customer service in the checkout queue. I’m not even kidding. They are by far the slowest I have ever seen. Whether it is busy or not, they will work at the same snail pace as they usually do. Eventually, I am out of there and hitting the road. Why is it that when you are in a hurry seems everyone else is on a “go slow”?

I make it to the estate agent in record time. I didn’t even switch the car off. I just gave her the keys outside the estate. LOKL. Back in the car – thankfully Troll is sleeping through ALL of this. I rush to meet my family. I managed to hug and greet properly and down a Chai Latté in a few minutes. Ticked that off my list, now to rush to pick up Dudie. On route, I decide to pop a chocolate eclair sweet in my mouth. Now, this is NOT a sweet that you can eat very fast. I get to school and damn this sweet is still in my mouth. As I approach the gate, the teacher wants to talk to me and I can’t open my mouth as the damn sweet is now stuck between my top and bottom back molars… As I try to speak I have drool dripping on the side of my mouth. Thankfully, I just raised the baby to my right cheek and avoided a very embarrassing situation. As I collect Dudie, he announces that he needs to go back for his water bottles. I’m thinking of chaining the damn thing to him, as lately he just seems very blasé about its whereabouts…Well until I ask about it.

What’s another hour in my day…

One more stop. We arrive at swimming school. Dudie has his lesson and I drift off whilst the other moms ooh and aah over Troll in the waiting area. Back in the car, I cover Troll with his warm blanket and tell Dudie to wrap himself with ALL his clothes. I put the aircon on full blast just so that I can stay awake whilst driving home.

I told Dude that if I am passed out by the time he gets home; it’s because I have had 25 days worth of crazy in one day.

Some days I have this all sorted and some days…well it’s all CRAY CRAY.

Spirited Mama

P.S. Dudie tells me, “Mom if you don’t want to smell like the baby’s vomit just wash with soap and water”. Me: Thanks my child, I’ll remember that…

Calories and my fitness Apps

By spiritedmama1

On June 9, 2017

In About me, choices, Fitness, Health, Reflections, Tech stuff, Time out

I never have to worry about calories….

Because I never get the full calorie intake for anything anyway. I.KID.YOU.NOT. Someone always wants what I’m having. A consumable can lie in the cupboard heck even on the table in plain sight and NO one will take it…until I do. Then everyone wants it/some of it.

Also, my family controls my portion size for me so there is no need to worry about over eating when they are around. The problem I face is when I am alone…I love to indulge.

Dudie throws me the “sharing is caring” card. Dude throws me the “I always share with you” card. Troll, aka the baby, is just being himself. If he could eat my boob he probably would… #breastfeedingmom

I must admit, I think I bounced back to my pre preggy body much quicker with Troll than with Dudie, 7 years ago. I guess it’s because now I have to juggle 2 kids, a husband, my job and of course Dudie’s schedule. I know it’s terrible but there are days where I only realise when I am on the verge of chewing my own hand that I haven’t had a proper meal for the day.

Somedays I remember to make a shake and drink it during the school run so that I at least have something. Problem is sometimes I forget to drink it too. Recently, I made a conscious effort to drink more water again. Somehow I got to busy to do that too.

My body is signalling me that it needs fuels but my mind is already planning the next to do list. Even though I am through with the current to do list. Life is busy but sometimes I think I just want to be so in control of my life that I forget to stop and take some time out.

My fitness apps are going bonkers with results of “do you want to adjust your fitness goals?, you did not meet your target number f daily steps, you have many inactive periods (granted this is because I don’t always have the damn phone with me)”. BUT it commends me for waking up on time! That’s a plus right? Even though it shows my sleep records are very poor. Somedays I want to crawl into bed at 9am and just sleep but hey life has to happen in between. There’s being mom & wife, running a house, creating a home, etc. We all do it. And somehow we survive.

I need my #momcation

I think I need to take a time out. To reflect. To analyse. To gain perspective. To breathe. I know where my priorities lie but I also need to prioritise MYSELF. I need to show myself some self love.

Exciting times lie ahead.

Spirited Mama

10 Years ago…

By spiritedmama1

On February 3, 2017

In Marriage, Reflections

10 years ago

Today, 10 years ago….we became Mr & Mrs ❤ To be joined together as one.

The one phrase that stuck in my head since 10 years ago is “They are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder” Matthew 19.6 (Dude seems confused. As if this is the first time he hears this verse…was he not at our wedding😂)

We have grown so much…it amazes me. We have so much to be grateful for and we are most definitely abundantly blessed. We even gained 2 beautiful sons in our marriage.

Here’s to the next 10 years and the next, and the next, etc

Dude is sitting next to me as I write this post this is what he just said…”Our marriage is like our tortoise…slow and steady wins the race”.

Cheers to us. To a lifetime of us. Always and forever❤

Spirited Mama

x

P.S. The resident alien arrived on 24 January 2017. So in celebrating our 10 years of marriage, we also celebrate the resident alien being 10 days old today.

#TBT Stop and play with the bubblewrap

By spiritedmama1

On January 19, 2017

In #TBT, Reflections

Sometimes, I need to remind myself to slow down and smell the roses….especially now as the resident alien’s birth date approaches…. #37weekspregnant

As I woke this morning, I’ve been reflecting on a few things in my life. I thought it would be fitting to do a #TBT and this post popped into my mind… “Stop and play with the bubblewrap”

I hope you are making time for the small things in life. Those things that actually count. Those that remain in your heart and soul. Those that create those little memories…

Spirited Mama

2016 the year that has been…

By spiritedmama1

On December 19, 2016

In About me, emotions, Reflections

(image sourced from google)

As I picked up my proverbial pen to start blogging again, I had a renewed sense of “me”. It was my calm. It was and is my outlet. It is my CANVAS.

This year has at times been trying. It’s been rough. It’s been busy. It’s been great too.

We have lost loved ones…and in turn gained new family members too. It is also the year that we found out that the Spirited family is growing.

As we prepare to create memories of the festivities for 2016, we also prepare for the imminent arrival of a New Year. A new CANVAS. A new baby. A renewed sense of “us”. 2016 is the last year that we are a family of three. We said goodbye to a stalwart in my family “MAMMA”. We have had way too many CANCER diagnoses amongst family and friends. I have gone back to working my half day JOB and frankly I think if I didn’t may have lost my sanity…

Slowly but surely I am accepting “me” for me. I am enough for me. I can only do so much. I too am only human. I found that I have sort of strayed away from God, not intentionally, but I just don’t think I purposely made a great effort to affirm my faith. I am working on restoring my faith. I am taking stock of life and counting my blessings, as we have been abundantly blessed. We have helped some family through trying times but I also think that it’s time to cut myself some slack and let it go. God will take care of it now as I cannot make them do what they need to do.

We had some great holidays and even managed a trip to Hong Kong this year. We are super proud of Dudie for completing Grade 1 this year. For all his achievements in academia and sports – this kid really did work hard.

So cheers to 2016 – the year that has been. You are etched in my soul. Looking forward to 2017! To less worrying and more time for making and creating memories…

Spirited Mama

Spirited Mama

Living a SPIRITED life filled with wanderlust, emotions and everything in between

Category: Reflections

It’s been 1 year…

Can I just rewind for 1 year?