It’s been 1 year…

On August 28, 2017

Can I just rewind for 1 year?

This photo was taken the day after Mamma passed on. Credit goes out to my Dude for capturing the grey skies, which is exactly what we felt in our hearts…an uncertainty of how to move on from here….

It’s been 1 year since I said goodbye to Mamma. I whole year without her yet it only feels like it was yesterday…the heartache is still there but it’s not as raw as it used to be. I can look at her photo without feeling an emotional storm brewing inside of me.

This morning I was extremely restless, granted we only got home at 1am from ER but that is a post for another day….I only went to bed after 2am and by then I was too exhausted to sleep. Do you also experience this? I get to a point where I’ve missed my cues to sleep.

I woke up just after 4am, and realised last year this time was my “calm” period. I felt something, it was in fact euphoria. And in that moment I realised it was in fact my last time with Mamma. On 28 August 2016 @ 04:22 (I know the exact time as I just checked my phone and used the torch app to look at Mamma) , she breathed her last breath out over my hand. It was bittersweet but I am extremely grateful and honored that I got to share her last moments with her. If you missed my list you can read it here Cancer Won…

When I got out of my bed I stepped on something. There was nothing before when I walked the same space just an hour ago. I grabbed my torch, my Troll was sleeping in his bed and I didn’t want to wake him, I found a rubber fish on the mat. That fish was on my keys. How on earth did it get there when my keys were hanging inside? I knew, Mamma was there.

Life after death

Perhaps she came to say hi/goodbye. Perhaps she just came to check in. I am not superstitious but I do believe in signs and life after death. I forgot to check a specific orchid plant that Mamma bought Dude a few years ago. Last year that orchid had the most beautiful flowers. It also lasted the longest. I have checked it last week and there were many buds already. Now we just wait for the buds to open.

Moving forward

Although, I felt emotional this morning that very emotional state has now become a happy emotional state. Remembering the fond memories I have of her, the time we spent together, even the arguments we had. We loved each other fiercely. I miss her so. She was a beautiful person, but very straight forward. If she didn’t like something she would tell you in no uncertain terms, and there’d NO sugar coating. Some may have taken offense but that is just who she was. She was a happy person, always saying if you are feeling down/sad/depressed/angry/etc just go work off that energy in the garden. Mamma passed away on a Sunday, we came home for a quick check on things the Monday evening. Tuesday And Wednesday I was broken. I remembered her words and got my pregnant, I was pregnant with Troll at the time, self out of the house and raked up leaves…I spent the entire morning in the garden, working and crying and after that I had a renewed sense of being.

Grief

Grief is difficult but even more so when we see how our kid(s) grieve. Dudie was extremely emotional and even now still misses Mamma terribly. But we allowed him to grieve her. We even just sat and cried with him at times. We allowed him as much time and space to deal with his emotions. It has definitely become easier to talk about her and see photos of her. For ALL of us.

Spirited Mama

P.S. I still need to plan that Namibian boat cruise that we wanted to do together…I wish Mamma was still around as I can only imagine the excitement as we would have planned this trip…

It’s Play Day..so “Let them play”

By spiritedmama1

On August 24, 2017

In Christmas, Dudie, Family, Games, Gifts, Kids, Kids stuff

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Let them play…Those words still hover in my mind since the #PrimaTopToys event where the top toys were revealed for the Festive Season 2017! What a fun time the adults had playing with the toys. We got to let loose our inner child without worrying about what others would think of us oohing and aahing over kids’ toys. Let’s be honest, as a parent if you are not convinced will you really buy your child a particular toy?

“Prima Toys is one of Southern Africa’s leading importers and distributor of toys and games; bringing the world’s most famous toy brands and characters to children across various African countries“

I remember one of my first dolls was a Prima Toys doll, a gift from my father’s friend who I think at the time worked for Prima Toys….I wish I had a picture of her.
I’m not a typical girl who played with dolls but I do remember that doll…
Being at the event evoked an emotion, at the time I couldn’t put my finger on it. Whilst playing with the toys in the goodie bag, I remembered the doll and how that doll was a Prima Toys product.

Funny how destiny or fate works…who knew that many many years later I will cross paths with Prima Toys again.

I’m definitely a boy mom and I love the toys as much as Dudie. Troll at this stage is too little to comprehend what is happening. But, he is besotted with his Teletubbie, PO. He giggles and even has a soundbyte of the actual Teletubbies music.

Dudie, obviously, raided the goodie bag I received. He loved the toys BUT that Ben10 Omnitrix was his favourite….until I showed him the hamper that I won…Gracious, that child’s eyes were ready to pop out his head. Why? Because there was a Ben10 Omnitrix Deluxe in there. He wears an Omnitrix on each arm…

And he had just seen the TV ad a few days prior to teh event and really really wanted one. Well, that was me getting the Mom of the Year award from Dudie. Granted, my status might not last long, as any parent knows you can go from hero to zero in 2 seconds flat, but I’ll revel in it for now.

The phrase, “Let them play” has constantly been on my mind. As parents, we are so busy with life/work/kids/etc/etc and sometimes we forget to stop and just be present. Similarly, we forget to just let our kids play. And to play with our kids. Dude and I have had the discussion that it seems lately we have been in “survival mode”. We have consciously made a decision to stop and have at least one “play” session per week night. Weekends are more chilled and we all get to have down time. It’s the weekdays with school/work/extra murals that consume our time.

So Thursdays are reserved for “play” in the evening. Tonight we will play 🙂

Happy Play day!

Mom’s favourite, even though I have NEVER managed to get all the colours in the right order! But I will keep trying 🙂

Spirited Mama

Disclaimer

This is not a sponsored post. Opinions and views shared my own.

Motherhood round 2…

By spiritedmama1

On August 21, 2017

In About me, choices, happiness, Parenting

Round 2

Becoming a mom for the second time, albeit 7 years later, was like becoming a mom for the first time. The adjustment from 1 to 2 children, for me, was and is major. It feels like I have a house full of kids now.

Never ending laundry…how can we have SO much laundry? Even though Troll sleeps 10 hours straight every night, thank heavens, I don’t. Because I don’t go to bed when he does!

Bring on the routine

Both kids have the same routine. Our supper time is 18:00 – 19:00. Bath time for both kids is 19:00 and then it’s bedtime at 19:30. For my own sanity, my kids MUST go to bed at 19:30 otherwise Mommy is going to lose her shit. We as parents also need a timeout and when the kids go to bed it’s “Adult Timeout”.

BUT during adult timeout we don’t get a timeout, in fact, we hurriedly try and finish whatever needs to be done. Laundry, kitchen, quick spot cleans here and there, and whatever else needs to be done.

Round 2 I thought I had this

Both my kids were induced. I clearly remember the day when Dudie was born. The nurse asking me to sign the epidural consent forms and all I could think about was how nervous I was to birth my child. I didn’t get that epidural as once the show was on a roll there was no stopping Dudie from making his entrance. That baby was born ALL natural, drug-free weighing a 3.4kgs.

With Troll it was SO different. When the nurse asked me if I wanted an epidural, I declined. She reminded me that it was, in fact, an Induction and that labour could get very intense. I said I know. Been there, done that and got the 7-year-old to show for it. I wasn’t as nervous for the birth as I was the first time. What was freaking me out was what about “the happily ever after” when that little person is forever part of our family. The birth seemed like the easy part. The hard part is raising my kids. Troll was born ALL natural, drug-free weighing 4.04kgs.

Same same, yet different

My boys are so similar yet so different. Both unique little beings with their own personalities. What I do know is that my boys are happy. Joy beams from their little faces, so surely it is within them. Don’t get me wrong, they can be monstrous at times but thankfully those moments are few and far in between.

Our lives are busy. And we like it that way but sometimes we need to take a step back and just enjoy the moment. I battle with this and I’m running things in my head and sometimes find myself way ahead of where my family actually is. I am trying to make a conscious effort to be present in the moment. I am making small changes. I try and spend one on one time with each of my sons even if it’s only a few minutes at a time.

Last week, Dudie told me that he knows that we really love him. Also, he reasoned that I love him 50% and Troll 50%. I said nope, I love you both 100%. His response, well then you have 200% love to give. You have got to love this child’s analytical ability, no thanks to his paternal genes 🙂

Round 2 concludes…

Thinking back I was very scared of having another child. Purely because I just didn’t want Dudie to share me with anyone else. It is a major adjustment for ALL of us but we are gracefully embracing our new life. We welcomed Troll with so much love that it almost seems like he has been with us forever. He was made for our family. He is the last piece to this puzzle.

Watching the boys together warms my heart. Not only do they share genetics BUT they have an actual bond. A brotherhood. And no one can take that from them. As their parents, we will encourage and strengthen the bond. EVen though Troll is only 6 months old he already searches the room for Dudie.

Motherhood can kick my arse on most days but I am happy knowing that even on those not so great days I am doing the best I can…for my boys.

Motherhood definitely is my best achievement!

Spirited Mama

Keeping A BREAST with World Breastfeeding Week

By spiritedmama1

On August 7, 2017

In Breastfeeding, Parenting

So 1 – 7 August 2017 is World Breastfeeding Week.

It’s ironic as Troll, who is just over 6 months old, has decided to “wean” himself from my breast… When Troll was in utero, I decided that I would be happy if I could breastfeed for 6 months. Perhaps I would make it to 12 months. Who knew? I decided to set a realistic goal of 6 months. And true as shit, he weans himself at 6 months.

Also, I think his self-weaning was aided with me being sick for 4+ weeks, being on various medication. The turning point was last week though. I was put on a high dose of antibiotics and was given strict instruction NOT to breastfeed. Of course, I could express my milk but I would just have to throw it away.

If you breastfeed or have breastfed, you’ll know that that milk is “liquid gold”. I would cringe even if we just wasted a drop. Imagine my horror just throwing it down the drain.

My breastfeeding journey is on its way out

As the situation currently stands, I have two bags of frozen breast milk in the freezer. This is the last of my stock pile. I currently have very little milk left. I have tried to boost my supply and even taken the infamous jungle juice. But alas, my milk supply is drying up.

It is bittersweet. This is the end of my breastfeeding journey. I am OK with it. I have come to terms with it. I have NO intention to have any more babies. BUT it is also the start of a new chapter for us.

I am honoured that I had the opportunity to breastfeed my boys. As Troll is now eating solids, which I make fresh by the way, I would’ve liked to have kept breastfeeding for another 2-3 months. I feel that this would’ve prepped him for the world. It may have helped keep allergies at bay. Fingers crossed Troll has NO allergies.

All over the world is celebrating Breast Feeding

Breastfeeding is NOT easy. Once you get the hang of it and your nipples are no longer cracked and/or bleeding from constantly being sucked on by a baby, you may actually enjoy breastfeeding. I also know of some people who find it the hardest thing to do. It’s stressful and yes your milk too can become stressed.

What I find even more ironic is that today is the last day of the World Breastfeeding Week. Today is also the day that I have set myself “free” from expressing and/or attempting to breastfeed again. Troll is happy and so am I. When I offered Troll my breast, he looked at me weirdly and just pushed it away. Now Troll happily just positions his head in between the warm squishy boobs, that once was his only source of nutrition.

Kudos to the moms who can breastfeed for extended periods.

Happy Monday…

Spirited Mama

Living a SPIRITED life filled with wanderlust, emotions and everything in between

Month: August 2017

It’s been 1 year…

Can I just rewind for 1 year?