Spirited Mama

YOU have got to take in the BAD to experience the GOOD

Category: Cancer

It’s been 1 year…

Can I just rewind for a bit?

This photo was taken the day after Mamma passed on. Credit goes out to my Dude for capturing the grey skies, which is exactly what we felt in our hearts…an uncertainty of how to move on from here….

It’s been 1 year since I said goodbye to Mamma. I whole year without her yet it only feels like it was yesterday…the heartache is still there but it’s not as raw as it used to be. I can look at her photo without feeling an emotional storm brewing inside of me.

This morning I was extremely restless, granted we only got home at 1am from ER but that is a post for another day….I only went to bed after 2am and by then I was too exhausted to sleep. Do you also experience this? I get to a point where I’ve missed my cues to sleep.

I woke up just after 4am, and realised last year this time was my “calm” period. I felt something, it was in fact euphoria. And in that moment I realised it was in fact my last time with Mamma. On 28 August 2016 @ 04:22 (I know the exact time as I just checked my phone and used the torch app to look at Mamma) , she breathed her last breath out over my hand. It was bittersweet but I am extremely grateful and honored that I got to share her last moments with her. If you missed my list you can read it here Cancer Won…

When I got out of my bed I stepped on something. There was nothing before when I walked the same space just an hour ago. I grabbed my torch, my Troll was sleeping in his bed and I didn’t want to wake him, I found a rubber fish on the mat. That fish was on my keys. How on earth did it get there when my keys were hanging inside? I knew, Mamma was there.

Life after death

Perhaps she came to say hi/goodbye. Perhaps she just came to check in. I am not superstitious but I do believe in signs and life after death. I forgot to check a specific orchid plant that Mamma bought Dude a few years ago. Last year that orchid had the most beautiful flowers. It also lasted the longest. I have checked it last week and there were many buds already. Now we just wait for the buds to open.

Moving forward

Although, I felt emotional this morning that very emotional state has now become a happy emotional state. Remembering the fond memories I have of her, the time we spent together, even the arguments we had. We loved each other fiercely. I miss her so. She was a beautiful person, but very straight forward. If she didn’t like something she would tell you in no uncertain terms, and there’d NO sugar coating. Some may have taken offense but that is just who she was. She was a happy person, always saying if you are feeling down/sad/depressed/angry/etc just go work off that energy in the garden. Mamma passed away  on a Sunday, we came home for a quick check on things the Monday evening. Tuesday And Wednesday I was broken. I remembered her words and got my pregnant, I was pregnant with Troll at the time, self out of the house and raked up leaves…I spent the entire morning in the garden, working and crying and after that I had a renewed sense of being.

Grief

Grief is difficult but even more so when we see how our kid(s) grieve. Dudie was extremely emotional and even now still misses Mamma terribly. But we allowed  him to grieve her. We even just sat and cried with him at times. We allowed him as much time and space to deal with his emotions. It has definitely become easier to talk about her and see photos of her. For ALL of us.

Spirited Mama

P.S. I still need to plan that Namibian boat cruise that we wanted to do together…I wish Mamma was still around as I can only imagine the excitement as we would have planned this trip…

CANCER WON….Mamma lost

CANCER WON (1) – Mamma lost(0)

Sadly on Sunday 28 August 2016 at 04:22 am Mamma breathed her last breath of life over my fingers. It was a bittersweet, surreal, peaceful, quiet, but so very special moment that we shared. One last moment with my Mamma. I will miss you ALWAYS!!!!

Only two weeks after the diagnosis was confirmed Mamma had lost the battle. She was a brave and strong willed woman. If you missed it you can read When Cancer happens

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. L

My heart is broken. I cannot do not want to imagine my life without you….but it is a bitter reality I must face. My heart breaks for Dudie who cries and cries for you.

It seems like a bad dream but everytime I want to call you up and remind you to pack something for our upcoming holiday at the end of September….I remember that I will never speak to you again. I will never hear your voice again. I will never hear you laugh again. And I will never see you smile again.

We have so many wonderful memories. And those memories I will treasure forever. But what I wouldn’t do just to have one more day with you…

Spirited Mama

P.S. I will  do a proper post dedicated to Mamma soon. Right now my whole being is broken.

Random update on Spiritville

We have been sick and STILL are sick. Spiritville is flu and bronchitis breeding grounds right now…I had no choice but to start a course of antibiotics myself, even though I would rather not considering our resident alien aka baby in utero….but rather safe than sorry.

CANCER SUCKS!!!! Mamma is getting weaker by the day…I literally almost burst into tears when I saw a photo that was taken of her this morning… She is NOT the same person I saw 2 weeks ago…She is also not the same person in the photos that were taken last week. How does one even begin to comprehend what is happening to her right now. I am running things through my mind and thinking should I go to Cape Town tomorrow or should I go next week or the next? I just don’t know!

Dudie and I are at war it seems…we are constantly fighting and just not seeing eye to eye. It really tiring and emotionally draining. He challenges everything I say or do. Why is the universe out to get me???

I have deadlines and work etc etc etc…but that is just life in general. Right now with everything going on it just feels TOO much and I really just want to break out into an ugly cry all the time…I worry about the resident alien because all these emotions can’t be good…

Sorry that I have nothing positive today but right now I just want to hide under my desk and have my ugly cries….

Spirited Mama

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When CANCER happens…MY FAMILY FIGHTS BACK!

So in my family we have been dealt a low blow this past Sunday.

Here’s a rough breakdown of the lead up to this past Sunday

2014 – My mom’s younger sister, aged 44 at the time, was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. Almost immediately had a mastectomy and chemotherapy followed by radiation therapy. In 2015 she was cancer free and we had a huge family celebration in her honour.

2016 – My mom’s youngest sister, also aged 44 at time of diagnosis, is diagnosed with breast cancer. Almost immediately,May 2016, had a double mastectomy. She is cancer free and will not be having chemotherapy nor radiation therapy. Last Sunday, the family had a huge celebration in her honour. Unfortunately, we missed it as we live in Gauteng and had already decided and booked flights to Cape Town for 5 August. I was sad that I missed it but something was knawing at me that we should just stick to our original dates and go to Cape Town as planned on 5 Aug.

So earlier this year I had a mammogram and sonars to check if there is anything to be concerned about… Well there are some minor issues but it’ll be monitored very closely. The doctor suggested that someone in our family should do the genetic test for CANCER. Well let’s just say that if the test results are positive and we have the cancer gene well then it’s a matter of When and not IF you get cancer. Let me just say that medical aids DO NOT cover the test and its about R10 000….So the youngest sister was waiting for confirmation from her medical aid to see if they were willing to assist with any sort of payment for this test… WE WAIT patiently.

Back to the past weekend, my Gran aka MAMMA (I literally feel as though she is my “real” mother. Dude says that I am like her 7th child) has been on/off sick with flu then apparently gall stones. On Saturday we see my Gran and we were shocked to see that she did not look well. She had lost weight and she was just not looking like her old self. She laughed and joked with us for a few hours and eventually we left. On Sunday, we get the call that she is not well and will be taken to Casualties. So most of the family treks to the hospital to go see Mamma. (Bear in mind that we have a very very  very big family. Security was taken aback that we ALL came to see the same person). We arrive to find her smiling smiling and all happy and bubbly in casualties. They do some tests and inform us that her liver is enlarged and is pushing against her lungs, which is causing difficulty breathing. Later, they discover a huge mass in her left breast and now suspect breast cancer. They run some more tests and think that it may have spread to the lungs… They have been doing tests ALL the time. We wait to hear the final results and what the way forward would be.

On Monday we visited Mamma in hospital and spend as much time as possible with her, given that we only had limited time and were  only allowed in one at a time. I got a brief period to tell her that I love her. The hardest part was saying goodbye as we had to come back to Pretoria on Monday evening. I told her that once we have more clarity on this  situation I will fly back to come see her.

Mamma is our go to person. She is the MATRIARCH of this family! She is So incredibly strong for all of us. She is happy and bubbly but I worry that none of us are there after visiting hours. None of us really sees what she is enduring. None of us knows what she is going through for as long as what I have been on this earth Mamma has always been smiling. (Hou altyd die blink kant bo – roughly translated into always keeping a brave and happy face) never letting it show if anything gets to her or gets her down.

I have been crying ALOT and as I sit here now I just can’t help myself… I have prayed and given this situation to GOD. As much as I want Mamma to make a full recovery, I don’t want her to go through any unnecessary trauma of surgeries etc…My biggest fear is her quality of life after surgery(ies)… I have seen what CANCER can do and it’s not what I want for Mamma. Mamma is the type of person who will be here the one day and gone the next. And everyone that knows her will know that that is how she wants to be remembered. All I want is for HER to make her OWN decision as to what she wants to do. This past weekend I saw that my family might not accept Mamma’s decision…and I worry that they will bully her into something that she did not want. It’s the hardest decision to just let go and let GOD be because we all want more time with a loved one but like I said it kills me to think of what quality of life she might have afterwards… Nothing has been finalised and no decisions have been made as yet.

I pray for my MAMMA…

Spirited Mama

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This was a random image I found on Pinterest…

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