So as you know I’ve put my big humongous secret out in the open. If you have no idea what I’m talking about read this before continuing with this post….

It is such a relief knowing that I’m not the only silent sufferer…. But silent I will be no longer. And I think that by spreading awareness, I’m counselling myself……..

I had an *aha* moment when I published that post. Something in me let go when I published that post. I felt lighter, less burdened and life seemed brighter. I have heard and read about others that too went through this trauma and My Gloria, it’s liberating to know that I’m not the only one suffering in silence.

It’s one thing for people to offer support and a shoulder/ear and I can’t express my gratitude for the masses that have done just that. But it’s so awesome when you can talk to someone who knows exactly what you’re talking about. Or what you’re feeling or not feeling, I really really battle to express my emotions even when enraged. The tone that I project is only but a fraction of what I’m truly experiencing. Sad isn’t it. And I don’t do it deliberately. It comes naturally!

There are so many people out there who have been through the same/similar experiences; it’s actually horrific to think how common/often it happens. And it just gets swept under a carpet…. It sickens me to this day, just to think of it. But all of us are survivors. And we’ve found a way, whatever it may be to cope with our lives. Somewhere something had to give. And for me I still think that it’s my emotional development. I battle, really battle with my emotions! Nothing that anyone can say will fix.

My emotional development stop at age 8! In one of my therapy sessions I was asked how I treat my son. I shower him with cuddles/hugs/kisses/ and I remind him that I love him and that he is important to me. In the session, I could not even remember how I was treated. I don’t remember being hugged/kissed, not even by my own mother. I don’t remember her being affectionate towards my brother either.  It emerged that I have blocked many memories and even up until today, there are many things that I have no recollection of.

I’ve asked Melinda, at Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby, if I could link her post to mine. She agreed but I also wanted share some of the email:

“Melinda:

Sharing our stories is the most liberating thing. I think the thing that keeps us trapped is this huge sense of shame and secret we walk around with

We are not alone. There are more people who have gone through this than we know and if we can tell our story without fear of being judged and heal some of the hurt then why not!”

So if you haven’t read her story go check it out My greatest fear

To all survivors

I sit and wonder, way too often, who I would’ve been. How my life would’ve been. But then I remember my Dude & Dudie, they are my greatest blessings. And it is, in fact, for them that I persevere. I often feel lost in the world. But I do have an unexplainable urge to live! I will take it in my stride to face the world day by day. And whilst my urge is burning, I will push on. As for finding my voice, I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. What I do know, is that I will live MY Life!

Spirited Mama

Xoxoxo

I’m slowly realising where my problem lies, and it is in fact not entirely my fault. I was bred/reared/raised this way. What I need to rectify is that I need to consciously try not to make the same mistakes. And not want to retreat every time I have a confrontational situation with family. I’m good at dealing with confrontation/conflict in my workspace/world but as soon as it involves family – I crumble. i could be putty – I kid you not! There is something seriously off with “that” behaviour and for some weird reason I can’t justify/explain it.

<Parents do you know how you can damage/traumatise/fck up a child during their formative years. And let’s not even get into the therapy bills that child will have as an adult.>

 Life has been relative ok, some minor challenges but if I look back it all seemed normal. Accept for when you’re in the moment and everything is happening to you and you get stuck in the traffic everyday for 2hrs minimum, then finding that happy space is extremely difficult. Just this morning my darling Dude, bbm’d me. Message was that I should be calm and it’s because we’re allowing a certain negative energy into our lives, hence we’re attracting it. And like in the Bad Boys movie, I should Woosa(not sure of spelling).  My response: Woosa’s mother! See how far I’ve drifted from my happy space.

Well I got to the office in one piece, after I sat in the car just regrouping for 20minutes. I seriously considered going back home and crawling into bed.

Back to the topic…. My parents fucked up! And they did this very royally. And they still continue to do so.

A little background info:

I am the eldest of two kids. I was born out of wedlock to a 19 yr old mother and 18yr old father. My brother is 9yrs younger than me.  I might go into other details some other time but basically, our family was fucked from the word go!In no way am I saying that having kids young/out of wedlock is skewed, it’s just my opinion of my immediate family. The relationship was volatile to begin with, it seems. All the arguments/drinking/screaming/shouting/cussing. It just didn’t seem healthy.

<I’m battling to write this as I’ve never written this before and only a very very select few know this>

My father sexually fondled me at the age of 8yrs. My mother was highly pregnant at the time. We seemed relatively “well off” as we were always fed/clean/well dressed/ always got what we asked for/etc… But as long as I can remember, I always said that I’d rather be poo and be happy than live like this! I was and still am so unhappy that I had to live like that. I really can’t accept that it wasn’t my fault. What could I do. I did have the “no one cares” feeling ‘cos why wouldn’t other family say/do something!!!! But they never knew what happened behind those walls. Only until recently, two family members learnt the “actual” truth. One had a half truth and one was completely dumbstruck when I explained the situation. Oh, and yes, she’s still married to him….20yrs later

I started therapy a good few years back, apart from the session that my mother took me to after the abuse. 8yr old child into a session with the mother. I too am a mother. And after years of battling my emtions. Not knowing what is going on with me, I realised that when my child was born, I will protect him with everything I’ve got! Against anyone wanting to harm him. I realised why I never had that “connection” with my own mother. She never protected me. She let me down. She disappointed me. And nothing she says can ever change that. She chose to put me and my brother second! And it really seems as if she doesn’t see what this did/is doing to us. She’ learnt this pretend lifestyle that she’ll beat even the highest paid hollywood actress with her show. She’s that good.

So there you have it. I’ve tried and tried to find my closure as this part of my life always creeps up on me. I’m sitting here and wondering exactly how I’m suppose to just move on with my life when this cloud hangs over my head constantly. I’ve these feelings of just not ever speaking to either of them again. I dread having to see them at family functions. I’d rather not go. I really can’t bring myself to call them mother and father anymore…

My brother and I have started working on our relationship. It’s going, with some cracks. But it’ll take some time to find our groove as we’ve literally not been in touch, properly, for years. On a different note, he’s about to graduate. He’s 20 and he’s baby girl is 3months old. I went cold when I heard the news of the pregnancy, as I thought, history is repeating itself. His daughter is going to visit that house with my father there. I’m scared shitless for this little girl. I don’t know whether to tell my brother now and this is why:

1. He’ll probably lose it and the end result might be something that no one can solve/fix/resurrect

2. He will not graduate at the end of the year so all his time studying is wasted…. What about his girlfriend and their baby

3. When do I really tell him or do I just wait for him to ask me what happened…

This post is quite confusing. And before I decided to keep this secret with me I’m publishing

‘cos that’s how we rolled – State secrets and all. The Gov.ernm. ent have nothing on us….

BUT that’s not how I want to roll………….. So this is me trying to find my own little sense of closure…